While He Slept
by bevfan
Summary: Beverly refelcts while JeanLuc sleeps in sickbay


While He Slept

Beverly Crusher had made the mistake of sitting down for a moment. She had long ago learned to keep fatigue at bay by constantly moving and working. It was when she stopped that the fatigue and lack of sleep hit her at once. Beverly felt almost dazed as the events of the past 24 hours ran through her head. There had been that ferocious fight with Starfleet Medical. They had really thought they could just cart Jean-Luc off, no doubt to poke and prod and measure and record every little thing, with no regard to the patient, to human dignity and decency. Beverly, filled with righteous indignation, had set the head of Starfleet Medical and the Admiralty straight on just who would and would not be caring for Jean-Luc Picard. Well, Beverly had won, but probably at the cost of some good relationships and friendships. It had gotten personal and ugly. And loud, on both ends. _I'll just have to eat some humble pie and apologize for my unprofessional conduct,_ Beverly grimly decided. But not until later, when she was more clearheaded.

Then there had been the surgery itself. Beverly had been meticulous in recording every single detail and removing every trace of Borg technology she could find. She had triple-checked, used different scans, pulled all of Jean-Luc's records to use as baselines, and had Selar repeat the entire process as well, after she had done it. But it still worried her, ate at her. Who knew what kinds of things the Borg had hidden in him, unimaginable things no scanner could possibly find? Maybe something still lurked within Jean-Luc, biding its time. The thought sickened Beverly. She resolved to be vigilant. The Borg would not get anything past Beverly Crusher.

Abruptly, Beverly got out of her chair and strode to Jean-Luc's private room. He was sedated and did not feel the light touch of her hand on his face. Beverly had done everything she could to erase the damage. The rest would be up to him. He would have to somehow find his own path through the terrible things that had been done to him. She didn't know how he would do it. Jean-Luc was such a lonely, solitary person. The friends that could have helped him through this were all dead. Beverly always thought of Jack's and Walker's deaths in terms of her own pain and loneliness. But now, for the first time, as she looked down at Jean-Luc, she realized that he was just as empty and lonely without them.

Beverly adjusted Jean-Luc's blanket and then sat down on the stool by the bed, lost in thought. Ever since Jack's death, Beverly had lived two lives. One was reality, the other what would have been if Jack had lived, the life they should have had. Of course, he would have had his own command by now and maybe Beverly and Wesley and the little girl they should have had (Katie Isabel, for their mothers) would all be on Jack's ship with him. And almost certainly all dead, killed at Wolf 359 by the Borg and Locutus. _He would have died eventually, anyway, even if he had come back from that away mission._ Beverly frowned, not liking the turn her thoughts were taking. Lots of good people had lost their lives, how selfish and silly to grieve over the thought of her dream Jack dying at Wolf 359. But the thought persisted. The dream life where everything was the way it should be now matched reality. Jack was gone and Beverly a widow.

"No!" Beverly was pulled out of her reverie by Jean-Luc's whisper. She got up to check on him. He would begin regaining consciousness in a few minutes. Suddenly, Beverly was glad, for Jean-Luc's sake, that Jack and Walker had died when they did. How tragic if they had lived, only to die at Wolf 359 at the hands of Locutus. She didn't think Jean-Luc would have been able to bear that burden of guilt. He would be waking soon, the horrors he had just been through fresh in his mind. Deanna would help with her counseling, but he wouldn't have Jack or Walker. He would probably push people away, in fact. Beverly looked down at him, thinking of Jack. _Didn't they used to have breakfast together on the Stargazer sometimes? Maybe I should just start inviting myself for breakfast sometimes, just let him know he's not alone. _Beverly smiled, waiting for Jean-Luc to wake, suddenly feeling lighter, for some reason.


End file.
